On Thursdays I enjoy watching the first round of the weekly PGA tournament. Mya, my girlfriend's 8 year old daughter, gets home from school at 2:30 and we watch the last hour or so together. She's starting to enjoy it and believe me thats a far cry from Sponge Bob Suck Pants. I'd rather listen to Smashmouth for a half hour than watch that lame ass show. As for her other television viewing choices we take all the precautions, lock the bad channels, watch the violent or questionable stuff after she goes to bed, not porn ya pervs, and try to keep it kid friendly as much as possible. Its tough these days with everything they put on the tube, the chicks all dress like skanks and the dudes are on steroids. However, what really disgusts me is the commercial content while we're watching a safe and educational telecast of a tournament on the Golf Channel. We cant just kick back on the couch and watch my favorite sporting event anymore without seeing every Viagra, Cialis or Flomax add each commercial break and I mean each and every single commercial break. Its absolutely uncalled for..
Do we really need to be reminded like 40 times a telecast how many middle age men can't get it up anymore or have to take 20 pisses every time they go deep sea fishing, mountain bike riding or traveling on a road trip? I understand the commercials are designed for the demographic that watches the channel or show, but to be honest I golf every week and see a ton of guys my age playing. Also, the average age of tour players has recently dropped down to young men between 28 and 34. Well I'm 28 and... Ok I won't go into the details, but here's the thing, what about kids getting interested in the sport? Should they have to hear about male impotence 12 times an hour? They might think too much golf will lead to impotence. Instead of answering questions like, Steve do you think Sergio will ever win a major? I feel like I'm about to start hearing, why shouldn't an erection last longer than 4 hours? Or, where did that cro-magnum looking man and the lady go that were on the Harley?
From now on lets just keep the adds simple. You know what these pills do so if you need them schedule an appointment. Believe me, there should be no debate between yourself and your whomever as to whether you need them or not. Symptoms; Its not working anymore even if your sober or your pissing your pants on the way to the urinal. And I'm not even a doctor.
The plus side will be, I get to lay back and not have to worry about where the channel changer is when Im trying to bond with the kid and watch Tiger.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
East Indian Bachelor Party? I think not..
I was in National Imports the other day looking for a gift and happened to stumble upon some pretty interesting activity. For those of you who don't have a National Imports in your mall its basically a Spencer's Gifts on crystal meth. You can purchase everything there from a whoopie cushion to a cardboard cut out of Donnie Wahlberg on a Harley.
Oh and did I mention the porn section?
Yeah there is a huge beaded off (no pun intended, ooh beads double pun!) porn section in the back corner that we used to sneak into and look around. And by used to I mean yesterday. I don't even wanna get into the variety "this from that," joke on this one because it is just that vast, but I will say you can still find that Donnie cardboard cut out behind the beads. Located in the rear, next to the porn stuff, is a register where you can purchase your embarrassing fetishes at and not have to travel to the front of the store. I was purchasing a medal business card holder for my dad's birthday, pretty perverted huh, and noticed this Arab guy circling the pornotorium quickly while watching his back for amused observers, like myself. He looked like the dude I say 15 dollars on pump 3 to, white head dress, bi-focal aviators, thick facial hair and a blue tooth. He would enter the beads and as soon as somebody walked by he would act lost. Reminded me of the first time I bought a box of condoms. This went on for a few minutes and as I stayed and watched I could tell he had his eye on a prize but kept getting swept away from bashfulness. Like chasing a Frisbee out in the tide, the closer you get the farther the ocean seems to sweep it away, but way much more perverted than that. I went on with my business and as the tattooed gal rang me up I could see him headed swiftly towards the register with a large box tucked under his arm dodging shelves like Barry Sanders scrambling for a first down. What was it? What did he have?
The pale face, skinny, greasy haired young man rings him up after saying, "All ready man?"
Exact change, a bag and "Have a nice day!"
He's gone..
I hurry to make eye contact, searching for answers.
The kid says, "Hey Ashley did you see that f*in guy? Haha, He's been here for like twenty minutes trying to get his hand on that f*in thing."
"Yeah, what was it?" Ashley replies
The kid says, "A blow up nurse," followed with laughter.
Ashley asks, "Which one?"
He says, "the blonde, with the huge rack, what a freak He's gonna be going at it with plastic in no time!"
Ashley says, "You're sick but probably right."
Takes all kinds I guess, but the irony is that they thought this was hilarious. I'm not one to judge and it probably gets lonely at tech support, but you would think the workers were used to this activity by now. I guess the immoral point of the story is either order that kind of stuff online or when you get to the register name drop bachelor party or gag gift somewhere during the transaction, because once you leave they will all laugh at you. Pervs, no matter how much you think society accepts you, they don't. In this case they even brought me, the average observing customer, in on the fun.
Oh and did I mention the porn section?
Yeah there is a huge beaded off (no pun intended, ooh beads double pun!) porn section in the back corner that we used to sneak into and look around. And by used to I mean yesterday. I don't even wanna get into the variety "this from that," joke on this one because it is just that vast, but I will say you can still find that Donnie cardboard cut out behind the beads. Located in the rear, next to the porn stuff, is a register where you can purchase your embarrassing fetishes at and not have to travel to the front of the store. I was purchasing a medal business card holder for my dad's birthday, pretty perverted huh, and noticed this Arab guy circling the pornotorium quickly while watching his back for amused observers, like myself. He looked like the dude I say 15 dollars on pump 3 to, white head dress, bi-focal aviators, thick facial hair and a blue tooth. He would enter the beads and as soon as somebody walked by he would act lost. Reminded me of the first time I bought a box of condoms. This went on for a few minutes and as I stayed and watched I could tell he had his eye on a prize but kept getting swept away from bashfulness. Like chasing a Frisbee out in the tide, the closer you get the farther the ocean seems to sweep it away, but way much more perverted than that. I went on with my business and as the tattooed gal rang me up I could see him headed swiftly towards the register with a large box tucked under his arm dodging shelves like Barry Sanders scrambling for a first down. What was it? What did he have?
The pale face, skinny, greasy haired young man rings him up after saying, "All ready man?"
Exact change, a bag and "Have a nice day!"
He's gone..
I hurry to make eye contact, searching for answers.
The kid says, "Hey Ashley did you see that f*in guy? Haha, He's been here for like twenty minutes trying to get his hand on that f*in thing."
"Yeah, what was it?" Ashley replies
The kid says, "A blow up nurse," followed with laughter.
Ashley asks, "Which one?"
He says, "the blonde, with the huge rack, what a freak He's gonna be going at it with plastic in no time!"
Ashley says, "You're sick but probably right."
Takes all kinds I guess, but the irony is that they thought this was hilarious. I'm not one to judge and it probably gets lonely at tech support, but you would think the workers were used to this activity by now. I guess the immoral point of the story is either order that kind of stuff online or when you get to the register name drop bachelor party or gag gift somewhere during the transaction, because once you leave they will all laugh at you. Pervs, no matter how much you think society accepts you, they don't. In this case they even brought me, the average observing customer, in on the fun.
Monday, February 9, 2009
New Camera, pretty stoked
So I have been wanting to get a new camera for quite a while now and once the tax return posted in my checking account I felt it was my job as an American consumer to dump some funds back into the economy. Savings accounts are gay..
I got a pretty nice point and shoot Lumix TZ5 with a 10x Leica lens. Its a good starter set and if I get all nerdy photo guy maybe Ill spring for an SLR down the road. Or if my sister gets tired of hers and decides to upgrade maybe she'll send it my way, not likely. Heres some shots!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
To Address My Readers..
Earlier today I was scoping my comments for words of encouragement and I happened to notice that my readers, or people claiming to read this blog, are of a certain demographic. They all happen to be, you guessed it, mid western mothers. This did not surprise me, due to my sister being neck deep in this gang of women bloggers and my biggest fan, although she has decided to school me with every piece she publishes, but oh well, I'm trying. However, initially when I decided to write this blog I thought I would be appealing to other readers, maybe closer, to my demographic. I was expecting to see comments such as, "Dude I totally agree, you are the voice my generation. Would you be my child's Godfather?" But, But ladies before you stop reading and think I am not appreciative of your comments or simply not trying to connect with you here is one for ya..
I just spent the last hour washing dirty dishes and explaining to my girlfriend's 8 year old daughter that Chucky, the fictional movie doll, is not real, as she spilled an M&M McFlurry all over couch for the second time this week, which is my fault because at the very moment I pick her up from school I hear, "You know the drill..," not, "Hey Steve!!" Call me crazy but isn't Chucky like circa 1990? That would be like my sister and I having nightmares over Jaws. Nonetheless she's trippin. In my opinion it seems so far fetched to believe that a doll is real. In the midst of getting my point across with soapy hands and the long sleeve of my right arm inching closer towards the wetness, of which I said screw it I'm not going anywhere today and just rolled it up, ruining the elastic wool grip with sudsy moisture, I grabbed her naked Barbie doll, stared at its chest for only split second and said sternly, "Mya does this Barbie doll have a brain, a heart, or lungs?" She replied, "No, but its not possessed by an evil spell like Chucky is dumb dumb!"
I returned to my dishes, hot from the debate and annoyed with my now lop sided sweater, thinking to myself what kind of angle should I take at convincing this little rugrat of my point. I scrubbed, dried stared aimlessly out onto our front yard for answers. For an instant I thought why don't we have a dish washer? The one time I brought it up to my girlfriend she said she would still wash the dishes thoroughly before placing them into the machine, thats just crazy. Thats like walking somewhere before driving there. Then I started to move back into the Chucky dilemma. I thought to myself we expect her to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy (of which I just recently learned is a woman) but get frustrated when she believes in the characterization of a horror film doll that you can actually see moving and talking on TNT every other month. I put myself in her shoes and for one of the first times instead of thinking she was just being dramatic I understood how her brain works. I understood why her eyes well up when we don't stop by Build a Bear after we said we would try to or when dinner runs late and Yahtzee was supposed to be the plan before bed time. I heard a comedian once ask why we thought kids get so upset when their balloons break free and fly away? He said just imagine your wallet being tied to a string and floating out of your back pocket into the sky. I thought that was a pretty good analogy for how our perspectives differ so widely.
Maybe next time instead of finding new ways to break the McFlurry drill after school I'll just cough up the two dollars and fifty seven cents because that just might be the Everest of her day. Also, she's bound to get tired of the same flavor sometime soon.
I just spent the last hour washing dirty dishes and explaining to my girlfriend's 8 year old daughter that Chucky, the fictional movie doll, is not real, as she spilled an M&M McFlurry all over couch for the second time this week, which is my fault because at the very moment I pick her up from school I hear, "You know the drill..," not, "Hey Steve!!" Call me crazy but isn't Chucky like circa 1990? That would be like my sister and I having nightmares over Jaws. Nonetheless she's trippin. In my opinion it seems so far fetched to believe that a doll is real. In the midst of getting my point across with soapy hands and the long sleeve of my right arm inching closer towards the wetness, of which I said screw it I'm not going anywhere today and just rolled it up, ruining the elastic wool grip with sudsy moisture, I grabbed her naked Barbie doll, stared at its chest for only split second and said sternly, "Mya does this Barbie doll have a brain, a heart, or lungs?" She replied, "No, but its not possessed by an evil spell like Chucky is dumb dumb!"
I returned to my dishes, hot from the debate and annoyed with my now lop sided sweater, thinking to myself what kind of angle should I take at convincing this little rugrat of my point. I scrubbed, dried stared aimlessly out onto our front yard for answers. For an instant I thought why don't we have a dish washer? The one time I brought it up to my girlfriend she said she would still wash the dishes thoroughly before placing them into the machine, thats just crazy. Thats like walking somewhere before driving there. Then I started to move back into the Chucky dilemma. I thought to myself we expect her to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy (of which I just recently learned is a woman) but get frustrated when she believes in the characterization of a horror film doll that you can actually see moving and talking on TNT every other month. I put myself in her shoes and for one of the first times instead of thinking she was just being dramatic I understood how her brain works. I understood why her eyes well up when we don't stop by Build a Bear after we said we would try to or when dinner runs late and Yahtzee was supposed to be the plan before bed time. I heard a comedian once ask why we thought kids get so upset when their balloons break free and fly away? He said just imagine your wallet being tied to a string and floating out of your back pocket into the sky. I thought that was a pretty good analogy for how our perspectives differ so widely.
Maybe next time instead of finding new ways to break the McFlurry drill after school I'll just cough up the two dollars and fifty seven cents because that just might be the Everest of her day. Also, she's bound to get tired of the same flavor sometime soon.
Friday, January 2, 2009
"Can you spot me man?"..."Can you spot me man what?"..."Can you spot me man please?"..."Thats better."
Well folks its new years resolution time again! Or rather nearing past, due to my tardiness and weak commitment to my own resolution, which is to blog, I mean crazy bloggin ya heard..?
Some look on these ensuing weeks as a starting point at putting their foot down and making some honest lifestyle changes. Some of the more famous resolutions include; cutting down on the boozing, reading more, attending church weekly, finding a new career and saving money. However, the one that stands out above all, the mother of all N.Y.R's, happens to be diet and exercise. Gyms and weight loss organizations report catastrophic jumps in enrollments and sign up plans. Businesses even start private Biggest Loser competitions among staff members. I think this is outstanding and I encourage the activity.
However, I feel the need to emphasize some guidelines, rules if you will, for the overflow that will be heading into the gym during the month of January. The newbies listen up and also the regulars refresh, some of you have gotten sloppy. Mainly this is for the guys because I don't workout with women that often. The list is in no particular order or relevance, just important issues that need to be remembered.
No collared shirts: Tees, V-necks and sleeveless tops are appropriate attire. This isn't a fashion show fellas. Get in, do your business and split. A polo is not going to make you look professional at a gym. It makes you look like your playing racquetball with Gordon Gekko in 1987. When they swipe that card at the front desk you have been stripped of individuality and become the same as me. Just a dude working out. Timely hair styles will be evaluated more in depth this year and may end up on the list shortly, but for now keep your foehawks fellas, you too butch lesbians.
Don't try pick up dates: This isn't a bar or nightclub. One thing I've learned about women is that if they don't feel cute or attractive then hands off. When they are sweaty, without makeup and haven't showered they really don't want to socialize with new prospects. This activity must be saved until you are living with them and see them at their worst. Also, this will let you know if you are truly in love with them and not just infatuated with the idea of intercourse. Moreover, during this "workout pick-up" everyone can watch the situation unfold. This girl who looks like she's been working the frier at Burger King all day has now become the center of attention and she will truly hate you for exposing her poorly kept, just woke up look to the rest of the gym.
Looking in the mirror excessively: A few glances here and there to validate progress is okay and we all do it, but the perverted stare at your own body for extremely long periods of time is really creepy. Getting one foot away from the mirror to look at facial blemishes is awkward for everyone around you. And please, no pre-fight posing followed by grunting either, as if you are about to fight yourself? Thats like an identity crisis. It also eludes to the notion that you love yourself so much that you actually hate yourself. Of which I admit am guilty of for different reasons. This category will also include singing into the mirror on your ipod and/or dancing while singing into the mirror. This now looks like you wanna sing, dance or rap to or with another man, and maybe you do, no biggy, go get'em tiger! Fierce abs...
Socializing Naked: If there was a ranking system this would be number one. Just a big No No.. First off, I don't even get naked in front of my friends. I was in there a few months ago and some old timer stood there for about 20 minutes, butt naked, trying to sell me some these scented cubes that you stick in the steam room. Apparently they give you everlasting life while making you look 20 years younger. He kept saying, "look at me man, look at me!" The real irony was that he looked a hundred and ninety, every inch of him, ewww bad word choice. Real talk, this isn't your bathroom. You share it with two hundred other guys. Think of it as prison. Get in, do your business, don't make eye contact and hold onto your soap.
Put Your Shit Away: After you use a piece of equipment please just return it to it's home. Please! If it weighs anything theoretically you're getting one extra exercise per rep by putting it up. I'm not your father, no matter what she said, so clean up after yourselves. Know one cares if you leave weights that weigh as much as their whole body next to the flat bench, as if, in some meat headed way, you're marking your territory. Like they will be left there for an eternity: "On this day January 14th 2009, Brice lifted the 150 pound dumbbells 3 and half times. We have left them laying on the floor here to honor his wicked form and bad ass strength."
Just use the equipment, nothing fancy: I was in there this summer and this foehawker had 4 chairs lined up in front of the entry way and he was hurdling them one hop at a time. What the F!? Like right when you walked in you saw this freak. I'm sorry, I guess I skipped this months "Hottest Workout" in Men's Health, "Jumping Over Chairs." Can I do this anywhere? Are those special workout chairs or will my chairs from IKEA work? Bro am I jumping the chairs correctly? Dammit I suck at jumping chairs! How do you jump chairs so gracefully bro? The next day I see this other dude doing clapping push ups on the ground while everyone works out with the, modern, futuristic weight machines around him. I don't know why those clapping push ups remind me of a Rocky 4 or Karate Kid Part 2 training sequence with notch ass background music, but they do.. Call me crazy but you probably get the same workout done in your living room and not pay a monthly fee.
For the sake of my fingertips and beating of this dead horse I will stop the list here. I understand this is alot of info to take in. Just keep your game tight and you'll be okay. I will be on the look out for additional standards as I see fit, no pun intended. Be yourselves down there Biggest Losers and enjoy getting into shape. I understand the weight gain back statistics are about as equal to a heroine junky relapsing, but don't let simple facts persuade you. Just clean up after yourselves and don't approach me naked and we'll all get along.
Some look on these ensuing weeks as a starting point at putting their foot down and making some honest lifestyle changes. Some of the more famous resolutions include; cutting down on the boozing, reading more, attending church weekly, finding a new career and saving money. However, the one that stands out above all, the mother of all N.Y.R's, happens to be diet and exercise. Gyms and weight loss organizations report catastrophic jumps in enrollments and sign up plans. Businesses even start private Biggest Loser competitions among staff members. I think this is outstanding and I encourage the activity.
However, I feel the need to emphasize some guidelines, rules if you will, for the overflow that will be heading into the gym during the month of January. The newbies listen up and also the regulars refresh, some of you have gotten sloppy. Mainly this is for the guys because I don't workout with women that often. The list is in no particular order or relevance, just important issues that need to be remembered.
No collared shirts: Tees, V-necks and sleeveless tops are appropriate attire. This isn't a fashion show fellas. Get in, do your business and split. A polo is not going to make you look professional at a gym. It makes you look like your playing racquetball with Gordon Gekko in 1987. When they swipe that card at the front desk you have been stripped of individuality and become the same as me. Just a dude working out. Timely hair styles will be evaluated more in depth this year and may end up on the list shortly, but for now keep your foehawks fellas, you too butch lesbians.
Don't try pick up dates: This isn't a bar or nightclub. One thing I've learned about women is that if they don't feel cute or attractive then hands off. When they are sweaty, without makeup and haven't showered they really don't want to socialize with new prospects. This activity must be saved until you are living with them and see them at their worst. Also, this will let you know if you are truly in love with them and not just infatuated with the idea of intercourse. Moreover, during this "workout pick-up" everyone can watch the situation unfold. This girl who looks like she's been working the frier at Burger King all day has now become the center of attention and she will truly hate you for exposing her poorly kept, just woke up look to the rest of the gym.
Looking in the mirror excessively: A few glances here and there to validate progress is okay and we all do it, but the perverted stare at your own body for extremely long periods of time is really creepy. Getting one foot away from the mirror to look at facial blemishes is awkward for everyone around you. And please, no pre-fight posing followed by grunting either, as if you are about to fight yourself? Thats like an identity crisis. It also eludes to the notion that you love yourself so much that you actually hate yourself. Of which I admit am guilty of for different reasons. This category will also include singing into the mirror on your ipod and/or dancing while singing into the mirror. This now looks like you wanna sing, dance or rap to or with another man, and maybe you do, no biggy, go get'em tiger! Fierce abs...
Socializing Naked: If there was a ranking system this would be number one. Just a big No No.. First off, I don't even get naked in front of my friends. I was in there a few months ago and some old timer stood there for about 20 minutes, butt naked, trying to sell me some these scented cubes that you stick in the steam room. Apparently they give you everlasting life while making you look 20 years younger. He kept saying, "look at me man, look at me!" The real irony was that he looked a hundred and ninety, every inch of him, ewww bad word choice. Real talk, this isn't your bathroom. You share it with two hundred other guys. Think of it as prison. Get in, do your business, don't make eye contact and hold onto your soap.
Put Your Shit Away: After you use a piece of equipment please just return it to it's home. Please! If it weighs anything theoretically you're getting one extra exercise per rep by putting it up. I'm not your father, no matter what she said, so clean up after yourselves. Know one cares if you leave weights that weigh as much as their whole body next to the flat bench, as if, in some meat headed way, you're marking your territory. Like they will be left there for an eternity: "On this day January 14th 2009, Brice lifted the 150 pound dumbbells 3 and half times. We have left them laying on the floor here to honor his wicked form and bad ass strength."
Just use the equipment, nothing fancy: I was in there this summer and this foehawker had 4 chairs lined up in front of the entry way and he was hurdling them one hop at a time. What the F!? Like right when you walked in you saw this freak. I'm sorry, I guess I skipped this months "Hottest Workout" in Men's Health, "Jumping Over Chairs." Can I do this anywhere? Are those special workout chairs or will my chairs from IKEA work? Bro am I jumping the chairs correctly? Dammit I suck at jumping chairs! How do you jump chairs so gracefully bro? The next day I see this other dude doing clapping push ups on the ground while everyone works out with the, modern, futuristic weight machines around him. I don't know why those clapping push ups remind me of a Rocky 4 or Karate Kid Part 2 training sequence with notch ass background music, but they do.. Call me crazy but you probably get the same workout done in your living room and not pay a monthly fee.
For the sake of my fingertips and beating of this dead horse I will stop the list here. I understand this is alot of info to take in. Just keep your game tight and you'll be okay. I will be on the look out for additional standards as I see fit, no pun intended. Be yourselves down there Biggest Losers and enjoy getting into shape. I understand the weight gain back statistics are about as equal to a heroine junky relapsing, but don't let simple facts persuade you. Just clean up after yourselves and don't approach me naked and we'll all get along.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Come Wearing Your Ugliest Chistmas Sweater... Party Starts at 9pm... Ends Never!!!
Before I begin I must give credit to "Stuff White People Like.com" for their latest addition profiling ugly Christmas sweater parties and their attendees. No, I have not read this month's newest Caucasian interest, but judging by the title I feel the same. That was my credit.
Now my question: Has anyone been invited to one of the these unoriginal gatherings. Not that I am anti theme parties, but really? Can we find a different idea?
The other day I was at work and a friend of mine asked, "Hey are you gonna hit up the Christmas sweater party at Chevy's on Monday?"
I replied, "No, I have plans."
I really did. I play Softball on Monday nights and am slowly becoming a legend. Aside from that.
He was acting like it was some freshly hip idea. Later that day his girlfriend asked why I wasn't going. I said, "You know they had an ugly Christmas sweater party on Drake and Josh right?"
She seemed unfazed by this. Didn't surprise me, the girls a one upper. On some level she was probably mad that she didn't already know that.
Earlier in the week I saw a preview for the Drake and Josh Christmas Movie on Disney, okay I watched the fucker, but only because I was forced to by a child, and at the end they all attended an ugly Christmas sweater party. To put it simple, if its on the Disney channel its not cool for twenty somethings to do. That is just a fact.
Last night I was waiting on a table and they were discussing where on Earth, just where on Earth they were going to buy some fly, yet ugly Christmas sweaters. Angry level now at orange...I wanted to be my normal, sarcastic self and make them feel lame for copying a Drake and Josh Christmas special, but this was pre-tip.
This morning I received a text that there will be, you guessed it, another ugly Christmas sweater gathering at some wily, charismatic dumb asses house. Head then exploded. Actually phone went flying followed by loud expletives.
The best element behind a good theme party is originality, creativity and the direction to which people take the title. Think outside the box. When attendees of ugly Christmas sweater parties actually start hosting their own ugly Christmas sweater parties in the same holiday season we have a major issue.
A couple of years ago when I first heard of these ugly sweater functions I thought to myself, not bad. What a cool idea, kinda cheesy, the retro thing is in and know one can deny the cozy level of a holiday sweater. Now they are stockings and mistletoe. Is this now going to be a seasonal event?
Its the same people who wear the fictional event shirts, "Sammy's Board Shop, two for one sale." Or the ones who only step foot in a second hand store once a year to exploit its patrons. "Oh my God, this one is so ugly, its perfect.."
"Does this one make me look fat?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay good."
Meanwhile Hector has been wearing that same getup since the first wind picked up in September and on Christmas he's planning on spicing it up but putting a collard shirt under it.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets just make a rule starting next year. If you get invited to an ugly Sweater party, the celebration ends at that parties conclusion. It will be a one time event and that is it. Also, there will be absolutely no ugly sweater events on New Years eve, period.
Now my question: Has anyone been invited to one of the these unoriginal gatherings. Not that I am anti theme parties, but really? Can we find a different idea?
The other day I was at work and a friend of mine asked, "Hey are you gonna hit up the Christmas sweater party at Chevy's on Monday?"
I replied, "No, I have plans."
I really did. I play Softball on Monday nights and am slowly becoming a legend. Aside from that.
He was acting like it was some freshly hip idea. Later that day his girlfriend asked why I wasn't going. I said, "You know they had an ugly Christmas sweater party on Drake and Josh right?"
She seemed unfazed by this. Didn't surprise me, the girls a one upper. On some level she was probably mad that she didn't already know that.
Earlier in the week I saw a preview for the Drake and Josh Christmas Movie on Disney, okay I watched the fucker, but only because I was forced to by a child, and at the end they all attended an ugly Christmas sweater party. To put it simple, if its on the Disney channel its not cool for twenty somethings to do. That is just a fact.
Last night I was waiting on a table and they were discussing where on Earth, just where on Earth they were going to buy some fly, yet ugly Christmas sweaters. Angry level now at orange...I wanted to be my normal, sarcastic self and make them feel lame for copying a Drake and Josh Christmas special, but this was pre-tip.
This morning I received a text that there will be, you guessed it, another ugly Christmas sweater gathering at some wily, charismatic dumb asses house. Head then exploded. Actually phone went flying followed by loud expletives.
The best element behind a good theme party is originality, creativity and the direction to which people take the title. Think outside the box. When attendees of ugly Christmas sweater parties actually start hosting their own ugly Christmas sweater parties in the same holiday season we have a major issue.
A couple of years ago when I first heard of these ugly sweater functions I thought to myself, not bad. What a cool idea, kinda cheesy, the retro thing is in and know one can deny the cozy level of a holiday sweater. Now they are stockings and mistletoe. Is this now going to be a seasonal event?
Its the same people who wear the fictional event shirts, "Sammy's Board Shop, two for one sale." Or the ones who only step foot in a second hand store once a year to exploit its patrons. "Oh my God, this one is so ugly, its perfect.."
"Does this one make me look fat?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay good."
Meanwhile Hector has been wearing that same getup since the first wind picked up in September and on Christmas he's planning on spicing it up but putting a collard shirt under it.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets just make a rule starting next year. If you get invited to an ugly Sweater party, the celebration ends at that parties conclusion. It will be a one time event and that is it. Also, there will be absolutely no ugly sweater events on New Years eve, period.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tribal Tragedy
Don't you feel really sympathetic when you see a guy with one of those tribal band tattoos?
I was at the gym yesterday and this 30 something guy takes his over shirt off, because these days you can't workout in sleeves, to reveal this super large even more faded 1998 circa hella rad tribal band. I started to laugh at his expense, but as I sat there listening to Blind Melon circa 1997 on my Iriver and I realized how bad I felt for this guy..
Its always a "tribal" thing too. "Hey, cool tattoo. What is that?"
"Oh its tribal bro."
"Neat, so I get it, you're of Native American heritage, thats really cool."
"No its just a design. I'm actually German Irish like you."
"Oh so you really don't know what it means?"
(Silence)
I wonder if Native Americans had tribal band tattoos and if they did I wonder if they called them "tribal." I wonder if they had douche bags in the tribe that got these super lame tattoos.
I mean, what if we all collapsed to the knees of hip trends so ultimately that we were branded with them for a lifetime of asking why did I do that? Maybe I am more superficial than these fashion wave catchers but I just can't see the logic in it. If you wanna take it back? Ladies, what if you woke up every morning to crimped hair and smelled like Exclamation Point? Guys, you'll have permanent Bosworth lines on the sides of your heads and wear Hammer pants. Now its, gauges, the super stretched ear lobes. Neck tattoos and sleeves are so cool! This shit is permanent and it ain't gonna be cool all that long. Ill tell you what is going to be long though, the wait time for your ears to grow back to their normal size. Fellas get all the ass you can now because in approximately eight you're going to obsolete, like a Walkman. One day you'll be standing in front of some dude at the gym and he is going to be laughing at you hysterically on the outside and crying on the inside because he is so happy he was just a fan of the music and didn't have to wear every hip novelty on his sleeve.
Oh and to add. Just because you wear an Affliction or Tapout shirt doesn't mean you can beat anyone up or are qualified to be a cage fighter in the Octagon.
I was at the gym yesterday and this 30 something guy takes his over shirt off, because these days you can't workout in sleeves, to reveal this super large even more faded 1998 circa hella rad tribal band. I started to laugh at his expense, but as I sat there listening to Blind Melon circa 1997 on my Iriver and I realized how bad I felt for this guy..
Its always a "tribal" thing too. "Hey, cool tattoo. What is that?"
"Oh its tribal bro."
"Neat, so I get it, you're of Native American heritage, thats really cool."
"No its just a design. I'm actually German Irish like you."
"Oh so you really don't know what it means?"
(Silence)
I wonder if Native Americans had tribal band tattoos and if they did I wonder if they called them "tribal." I wonder if they had douche bags in the tribe that got these super lame tattoos.
I mean, what if we all collapsed to the knees of hip trends so ultimately that we were branded with them for a lifetime of asking why did I do that? Maybe I am more superficial than these fashion wave catchers but I just can't see the logic in it. If you wanna take it back? Ladies, what if you woke up every morning to crimped hair and smelled like Exclamation Point? Guys, you'll have permanent Bosworth lines on the sides of your heads and wear Hammer pants. Now its, gauges, the super stretched ear lobes. Neck tattoos and sleeves are so cool! This shit is permanent and it ain't gonna be cool all that long. Ill tell you what is going to be long though, the wait time for your ears to grow back to their normal size. Fellas get all the ass you can now because in approximately eight you're going to obsolete, like a Walkman. One day you'll be standing in front of some dude at the gym and he is going to be laughing at you hysterically on the outside and crying on the inside because he is so happy he was just a fan of the music and didn't have to wear every hip novelty on his sleeve.
Oh and to add. Just because you wear an Affliction or Tapout shirt doesn't mean you can beat anyone up or are qualified to be a cage fighter in the Octagon.
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