Earlier today I was scoping my comments for words of encouragement and I happened to notice that my readers, or people claiming to read this blog, are of a certain demographic. They all happen to be, you guessed it, mid western mothers. This did not surprise me, due to my sister being neck deep in this gang of women bloggers and my biggest fan, although she has decided to school me with every piece she publishes, but oh well, I'm trying. However, initially when I decided to write this blog I thought I would be appealing to other readers, maybe closer, to my demographic. I was expecting to see comments such as, "Dude I totally agree, you are the voice my generation. Would you be my child's Godfather?" But, But ladies before you stop reading and think I am not appreciative of your comments or simply not trying to connect with you here is one for ya..
I just spent the last hour washing dirty dishes and explaining to my girlfriend's 8 year old daughter that Chucky, the fictional movie doll, is not real, as she spilled an M&M McFlurry all over couch for the second time this week, which is my fault because at the very moment I pick her up from school I hear, "You know the drill..," not, "Hey Steve!!" Call me crazy but isn't Chucky like circa 1990? That would be like my sister and I having nightmares over Jaws. Nonetheless she's trippin. In my opinion it seems so far fetched to believe that a doll is real. In the midst of getting my point across with soapy hands and the long sleeve of my right arm inching closer towards the wetness, of which I said screw it I'm not going anywhere today and just rolled it up, ruining the elastic wool grip with sudsy moisture, I grabbed her naked Barbie doll, stared at its chest for only split second and said sternly, "Mya does this Barbie doll have a brain, a heart, or lungs?" She replied, "No, but its not possessed by an evil spell like Chucky is dumb dumb!"
I returned to my dishes, hot from the debate and annoyed with my now lop sided sweater, thinking to myself what kind of angle should I take at convincing this little rugrat of my point. I scrubbed, dried stared aimlessly out onto our front yard for answers. For an instant I thought why don't we have a dish washer? The one time I brought it up to my girlfriend she said she would still wash the dishes thoroughly before placing them into the machine, thats just crazy. Thats like walking somewhere before driving there. Then I started to move back into the Chucky dilemma. I thought to myself we expect her to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy (of which I just recently learned is a woman) but get frustrated when she believes in the characterization of a horror film doll that you can actually see moving and talking on TNT every other month. I put myself in her shoes and for one of the first times instead of thinking she was just being dramatic I understood how her brain works. I understood why her eyes well up when we don't stop by Build a Bear after we said we would try to or when dinner runs late and Yahtzee was supposed to be the plan before bed time. I heard a comedian once ask why we thought kids get so upset when their balloons break free and fly away? He said just imagine your wallet being tied to a string and floating out of your back pocket into the sky. I thought that was a pretty good analogy for how our perspectives differ so widely.
Maybe next time instead of finding new ways to break the McFlurry drill after school I'll just cough up the two dollars and fifty seven cents because that just might be the Everest of her day. Also, she's bound to get tired of the same flavor sometime soon.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
"Can you spot me man?"..."Can you spot me man what?"..."Can you spot me man please?"..."Thats better."
Well folks its new years resolution time again! Or rather nearing past, due to my tardiness and weak commitment to my own resolution, which is to blog, I mean crazy bloggin ya heard..?
Some look on these ensuing weeks as a starting point at putting their foot down and making some honest lifestyle changes. Some of the more famous resolutions include; cutting down on the boozing, reading more, attending church weekly, finding a new career and saving money. However, the one that stands out above all, the mother of all N.Y.R's, happens to be diet and exercise. Gyms and weight loss organizations report catastrophic jumps in enrollments and sign up plans. Businesses even start private Biggest Loser competitions among staff members. I think this is outstanding and I encourage the activity.
However, I feel the need to emphasize some guidelines, rules if you will, for the overflow that will be heading into the gym during the month of January. The newbies listen up and also the regulars refresh, some of you have gotten sloppy. Mainly this is for the guys because I don't workout with women that often. The list is in no particular order or relevance, just important issues that need to be remembered.
No collared shirts: Tees, V-necks and sleeveless tops are appropriate attire. This isn't a fashion show fellas. Get in, do your business and split. A polo is not going to make you look professional at a gym. It makes you look like your playing racquetball with Gordon Gekko in 1987. When they swipe that card at the front desk you have been stripped of individuality and become the same as me. Just a dude working out. Timely hair styles will be evaluated more in depth this year and may end up on the list shortly, but for now keep your foehawks fellas, you too butch lesbians.
Don't try pick up dates: This isn't a bar or nightclub. One thing I've learned about women is that if they don't feel cute or attractive then hands off. When they are sweaty, without makeup and haven't showered they really don't want to socialize with new prospects. This activity must be saved until you are living with them and see them at their worst. Also, this will let you know if you are truly in love with them and not just infatuated with the idea of intercourse. Moreover, during this "workout pick-up" everyone can watch the situation unfold. This girl who looks like she's been working the frier at Burger King all day has now become the center of attention and she will truly hate you for exposing her poorly kept, just woke up look to the rest of the gym.
Looking in the mirror excessively: A few glances here and there to validate progress is okay and we all do it, but the perverted stare at your own body for extremely long periods of time is really creepy. Getting one foot away from the mirror to look at facial blemishes is awkward for everyone around you. And please, no pre-fight posing followed by grunting either, as if you are about to fight yourself? Thats like an identity crisis. It also eludes to the notion that you love yourself so much that you actually hate yourself. Of which I admit am guilty of for different reasons. This category will also include singing into the mirror on your ipod and/or dancing while singing into the mirror. This now looks like you wanna sing, dance or rap to or with another man, and maybe you do, no biggy, go get'em tiger! Fierce abs...
Socializing Naked: If there was a ranking system this would be number one. Just a big No No.. First off, I don't even get naked in front of my friends. I was in there a few months ago and some old timer stood there for about 20 minutes, butt naked, trying to sell me some these scented cubes that you stick in the steam room. Apparently they give you everlasting life while making you look 20 years younger. He kept saying, "look at me man, look at me!" The real irony was that he looked a hundred and ninety, every inch of him, ewww bad word choice. Real talk, this isn't your bathroom. You share it with two hundred other guys. Think of it as prison. Get in, do your business, don't make eye contact and hold onto your soap.
Put Your Shit Away: After you use a piece of equipment please just return it to it's home. Please! If it weighs anything theoretically you're getting one extra exercise per rep by putting it up. I'm not your father, no matter what she said, so clean up after yourselves. Know one cares if you leave weights that weigh as much as their whole body next to the flat bench, as if, in some meat headed way, you're marking your territory. Like they will be left there for an eternity: "On this day January 14th 2009, Brice lifted the 150 pound dumbbells 3 and half times. We have left them laying on the floor here to honor his wicked form and bad ass strength."
Just use the equipment, nothing fancy: I was in there this summer and this foehawker had 4 chairs lined up in front of the entry way and he was hurdling them one hop at a time. What the F!? Like right when you walked in you saw this freak. I'm sorry, I guess I skipped this months "Hottest Workout" in Men's Health, "Jumping Over Chairs." Can I do this anywhere? Are those special workout chairs or will my chairs from IKEA work? Bro am I jumping the chairs correctly? Dammit I suck at jumping chairs! How do you jump chairs so gracefully bro? The next day I see this other dude doing clapping push ups on the ground while everyone works out with the, modern, futuristic weight machines around him. I don't know why those clapping push ups remind me of a Rocky 4 or Karate Kid Part 2 training sequence with notch ass background music, but they do.. Call me crazy but you probably get the same workout done in your living room and not pay a monthly fee.
For the sake of my fingertips and beating of this dead horse I will stop the list here. I understand this is alot of info to take in. Just keep your game tight and you'll be okay. I will be on the look out for additional standards as I see fit, no pun intended. Be yourselves down there Biggest Losers and enjoy getting into shape. I understand the weight gain back statistics are about as equal to a heroine junky relapsing, but don't let simple facts persuade you. Just clean up after yourselves and don't approach me naked and we'll all get along.
Some look on these ensuing weeks as a starting point at putting their foot down and making some honest lifestyle changes. Some of the more famous resolutions include; cutting down on the boozing, reading more, attending church weekly, finding a new career and saving money. However, the one that stands out above all, the mother of all N.Y.R's, happens to be diet and exercise. Gyms and weight loss organizations report catastrophic jumps in enrollments and sign up plans. Businesses even start private Biggest Loser competitions among staff members. I think this is outstanding and I encourage the activity.
However, I feel the need to emphasize some guidelines, rules if you will, for the overflow that will be heading into the gym during the month of January. The newbies listen up and also the regulars refresh, some of you have gotten sloppy. Mainly this is for the guys because I don't workout with women that often. The list is in no particular order or relevance, just important issues that need to be remembered.
No collared shirts: Tees, V-necks and sleeveless tops are appropriate attire. This isn't a fashion show fellas. Get in, do your business and split. A polo is not going to make you look professional at a gym. It makes you look like your playing racquetball with Gordon Gekko in 1987. When they swipe that card at the front desk you have been stripped of individuality and become the same as me. Just a dude working out. Timely hair styles will be evaluated more in depth this year and may end up on the list shortly, but for now keep your foehawks fellas, you too butch lesbians.
Don't try pick up dates: This isn't a bar or nightclub. One thing I've learned about women is that if they don't feel cute or attractive then hands off. When they are sweaty, without makeup and haven't showered they really don't want to socialize with new prospects. This activity must be saved until you are living with them and see them at their worst. Also, this will let you know if you are truly in love with them and not just infatuated with the idea of intercourse. Moreover, during this "workout pick-up" everyone can watch the situation unfold. This girl who looks like she's been working the frier at Burger King all day has now become the center of attention and she will truly hate you for exposing her poorly kept, just woke up look to the rest of the gym.
Looking in the mirror excessively: A few glances here and there to validate progress is okay and we all do it, but the perverted stare at your own body for extremely long periods of time is really creepy. Getting one foot away from the mirror to look at facial blemishes is awkward for everyone around you. And please, no pre-fight posing followed by grunting either, as if you are about to fight yourself? Thats like an identity crisis. It also eludes to the notion that you love yourself so much that you actually hate yourself. Of which I admit am guilty of for different reasons. This category will also include singing into the mirror on your ipod and/or dancing while singing into the mirror. This now looks like you wanna sing, dance or rap to or with another man, and maybe you do, no biggy, go get'em tiger! Fierce abs...
Socializing Naked: If there was a ranking system this would be number one. Just a big No No.. First off, I don't even get naked in front of my friends. I was in there a few months ago and some old timer stood there for about 20 minutes, butt naked, trying to sell me some these scented cubes that you stick in the steam room. Apparently they give you everlasting life while making you look 20 years younger. He kept saying, "look at me man, look at me!" The real irony was that he looked a hundred and ninety, every inch of him, ewww bad word choice. Real talk, this isn't your bathroom. You share it with two hundred other guys. Think of it as prison. Get in, do your business, don't make eye contact and hold onto your soap.
Put Your Shit Away: After you use a piece of equipment please just return it to it's home. Please! If it weighs anything theoretically you're getting one extra exercise per rep by putting it up. I'm not your father, no matter what she said, so clean up after yourselves. Know one cares if you leave weights that weigh as much as their whole body next to the flat bench, as if, in some meat headed way, you're marking your territory. Like they will be left there for an eternity: "On this day January 14th 2009, Brice lifted the 150 pound dumbbells 3 and half times. We have left them laying on the floor here to honor his wicked form and bad ass strength."
Just use the equipment, nothing fancy: I was in there this summer and this foehawker had 4 chairs lined up in front of the entry way and he was hurdling them one hop at a time. What the F!? Like right when you walked in you saw this freak. I'm sorry, I guess I skipped this months "Hottest Workout" in Men's Health, "Jumping Over Chairs." Can I do this anywhere? Are those special workout chairs or will my chairs from IKEA work? Bro am I jumping the chairs correctly? Dammit I suck at jumping chairs! How do you jump chairs so gracefully bro? The next day I see this other dude doing clapping push ups on the ground while everyone works out with the, modern, futuristic weight machines around him. I don't know why those clapping push ups remind me of a Rocky 4 or Karate Kid Part 2 training sequence with notch ass background music, but they do.. Call me crazy but you probably get the same workout done in your living room and not pay a monthly fee.
For the sake of my fingertips and beating of this dead horse I will stop the list here. I understand this is alot of info to take in. Just keep your game tight and you'll be okay. I will be on the look out for additional standards as I see fit, no pun intended. Be yourselves down there Biggest Losers and enjoy getting into shape. I understand the weight gain back statistics are about as equal to a heroine junky relapsing, but don't let simple facts persuade you. Just clean up after yourselves and don't approach me naked and we'll all get along.
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