Before I begin I must give credit to "Stuff White People Like.com" for their latest addition profiling ugly Christmas sweater parties and their attendees. No, I have not read this month's newest Caucasian interest, but judging by the title I feel the same. That was my credit.
Now my question: Has anyone been invited to one of the these unoriginal gatherings. Not that I am anti theme parties, but really? Can we find a different idea?
The other day I was at work and a friend of mine asked, "Hey are you gonna hit up the Christmas sweater party at Chevy's on Monday?"
I replied, "No, I have plans."
I really did. I play Softball on Monday nights and am slowly becoming a legend. Aside from that.
He was acting like it was some freshly hip idea. Later that day his girlfriend asked why I wasn't going. I said, "You know they had an ugly Christmas sweater party on Drake and Josh right?"
She seemed unfazed by this. Didn't surprise me, the girls a one upper. On some level she was probably mad that she didn't already know that.
Earlier in the week I saw a preview for the Drake and Josh Christmas Movie on Disney, okay I watched the fucker, but only because I was forced to by a child, and at the end they all attended an ugly Christmas sweater party. To put it simple, if its on the Disney channel its not cool for twenty somethings to do. That is just a fact.
Last night I was waiting on a table and they were discussing where on Earth, just where on Earth they were going to buy some fly, yet ugly Christmas sweaters. Angry level now at orange...I wanted to be my normal, sarcastic self and make them feel lame for copying a Drake and Josh Christmas special, but this was pre-tip.
This morning I received a text that there will be, you guessed it, another ugly Christmas sweater gathering at some wily, charismatic dumb asses house. Head then exploded. Actually phone went flying followed by loud expletives.
The best element behind a good theme party is originality, creativity and the direction to which people take the title. Think outside the box. When attendees of ugly Christmas sweater parties actually start hosting their own ugly Christmas sweater parties in the same holiday season we have a major issue.
A couple of years ago when I first heard of these ugly sweater functions I thought to myself, not bad. What a cool idea, kinda cheesy, the retro thing is in and know one can deny the cozy level of a holiday sweater. Now they are stockings and mistletoe. Is this now going to be a seasonal event?
Its the same people who wear the fictional event shirts, "Sammy's Board Shop, two for one sale." Or the ones who only step foot in a second hand store once a year to exploit its patrons. "Oh my God, this one is so ugly, its perfect.."
"Does this one make me look fat?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay good."
Meanwhile Hector has been wearing that same getup since the first wind picked up in September and on Christmas he's planning on spicing it up but putting a collard shirt under it.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets just make a rule starting next year. If you get invited to an ugly Sweater party, the celebration ends at that parties conclusion. It will be a one time event and that is it. Also, there will be absolutely no ugly sweater events on New Years eve, period.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tribal Tragedy
Don't you feel really sympathetic when you see a guy with one of those tribal band tattoos?
I was at the gym yesterday and this 30 something guy takes his over shirt off, because these days you can't workout in sleeves, to reveal this super large even more faded 1998 circa hella rad tribal band. I started to laugh at his expense, but as I sat there listening to Blind Melon circa 1997 on my Iriver and I realized how bad I felt for this guy..
Its always a "tribal" thing too. "Hey, cool tattoo. What is that?"
"Oh its tribal bro."
"Neat, so I get it, you're of Native American heritage, thats really cool."
"No its just a design. I'm actually German Irish like you."
"Oh so you really don't know what it means?"
(Silence)
I wonder if Native Americans had tribal band tattoos and if they did I wonder if they called them "tribal." I wonder if they had douche bags in the tribe that got these super lame tattoos.
I mean, what if we all collapsed to the knees of hip trends so ultimately that we were branded with them for a lifetime of asking why did I do that? Maybe I am more superficial than these fashion wave catchers but I just can't see the logic in it. If you wanna take it back? Ladies, what if you woke up every morning to crimped hair and smelled like Exclamation Point? Guys, you'll have permanent Bosworth lines on the sides of your heads and wear Hammer pants. Now its, gauges, the super stretched ear lobes. Neck tattoos and sleeves are so cool! This shit is permanent and it ain't gonna be cool all that long. Ill tell you what is going to be long though, the wait time for your ears to grow back to their normal size. Fellas get all the ass you can now because in approximately eight you're going to obsolete, like a Walkman. One day you'll be standing in front of some dude at the gym and he is going to be laughing at you hysterically on the outside and crying on the inside because he is so happy he was just a fan of the music and didn't have to wear every hip novelty on his sleeve.
Oh and to add. Just because you wear an Affliction or Tapout shirt doesn't mean you can beat anyone up or are qualified to be a cage fighter in the Octagon.
I was at the gym yesterday and this 30 something guy takes his over shirt off, because these days you can't workout in sleeves, to reveal this super large even more faded 1998 circa hella rad tribal band. I started to laugh at his expense, but as I sat there listening to Blind Melon circa 1997 on my Iriver and I realized how bad I felt for this guy..
Its always a "tribal" thing too. "Hey, cool tattoo. What is that?"
"Oh its tribal bro."
"Neat, so I get it, you're of Native American heritage, thats really cool."
"No its just a design. I'm actually German Irish like you."
"Oh so you really don't know what it means?"
(Silence)
I wonder if Native Americans had tribal band tattoos and if they did I wonder if they called them "tribal." I wonder if they had douche bags in the tribe that got these super lame tattoos.
I mean, what if we all collapsed to the knees of hip trends so ultimately that we were branded with them for a lifetime of asking why did I do that? Maybe I am more superficial than these fashion wave catchers but I just can't see the logic in it. If you wanna take it back? Ladies, what if you woke up every morning to crimped hair and smelled like Exclamation Point? Guys, you'll have permanent Bosworth lines on the sides of your heads and wear Hammer pants. Now its, gauges, the super stretched ear lobes. Neck tattoos and sleeves are so cool! This shit is permanent and it ain't gonna be cool all that long. Ill tell you what is going to be long though, the wait time for your ears to grow back to their normal size. Fellas get all the ass you can now because in approximately eight you're going to obsolete, like a Walkman. One day you'll be standing in front of some dude at the gym and he is going to be laughing at you hysterically on the outside and crying on the inside because he is so happy he was just a fan of the music and didn't have to wear every hip novelty on his sleeve.
Oh and to add. Just because you wear an Affliction or Tapout shirt doesn't mean you can beat anyone up or are qualified to be a cage fighter in the Octagon.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Christmas Email '07
From: steviek@mybluelight.com
Date: Thu, 27 Dec 2007 22:12:54 +0000
To: smks75@hotmail.com
Subject: Christmas Day
Heres your gift,
It was pretty good. Yeah there were some weird moments like Taylor reading off of a Wal*Mart receipt and acting like someone bought "large black dildos and heated lube" when they purchased her present. Then we all joined in and Dad yelled out "Junk in tha Trunk Volume 4!" Every time it got awkward we would just start laughing. Mom said she wouldn't have made it without Amber. Well I wouldn't of made it without that bottle of E&J's Brandy. Of which was supposed to be for Mimi's Carrot/Rum cake that I happened to pretty much polish off by the time desert hit, hahaha. It was so funny! They were like, "Oh my God who did this?!" My only justification was that they conveniently placed it next to a 2 liter bottle of Coke. Now who would sit alcohol next to the other beverages if it was going to be used for cooking? Yeah I know. Also, it was the only time in the history of my life that Mimi's cake was in fact enjoyably edible. I did everyone a favor. Every other year in the past it has been coated with burnt liquor. "Mmmm, heres an idea for a desert. Lets blend up some carrots and raisins, put them into a cake, then dump brandy all over the top and light it on fire. Yeah, then we'll take a half of a teaspoon of this really delicious frosting, but not too much, because we don't want people to enjoy this flavor so much that they can't taste the blended carrots, raisins and ignited brandy."
Overall the day went really well and I am showing a six pack from all of the laughing I did. Dad was pretty good up until the end when he was showing signs of classic tantrums as we saw everyone out. Its a shame last impressions are are more important than firsts.
So what did you guys all do? Play Monopoly at the Steals' and listen to the Josh Grobin Christmas album, Kidding...sord of
Ps. Can you tell I am bored? Babysitting is so exciting! Christmas vacations are gay..
Date: Thu, 27 Dec 2007 22:12:54 +0000
To: smks75@hotmail.com
Subject: Christmas Day
Heres your gift,
It was pretty good. Yeah there were some weird moments like Taylor reading off of a Wal*Mart receipt and acting like someone bought "large black dildos and heated lube" when they purchased her present. Then we all joined in and Dad yelled out "Junk in tha Trunk Volume 4!" Every time it got awkward we would just start laughing. Mom said she wouldn't have made it without Amber. Well I wouldn't of made it without that bottle of E&J's Brandy. Of which was supposed to be for Mimi's Carrot/Rum cake that I happened to pretty much polish off by the time desert hit, hahaha. It was so funny! They were like, "Oh my God who did this?!" My only justification was that they conveniently placed it next to a 2 liter bottle of Coke. Now who would sit alcohol next to the other beverages if it was going to be used for cooking? Yeah I know. Also, it was the only time in the history of my life that Mimi's cake was in fact enjoyably edible. I did everyone a favor. Every other year in the past it has been coated with burnt liquor. "Mmmm, heres an idea for a desert. Lets blend up some carrots and raisins, put them into a cake, then dump brandy all over the top and light it on fire. Yeah, then we'll take a half of a teaspoon of this really delicious frosting, but not too much, because we don't want people to enjoy this flavor so much that they can't taste the blended carrots, raisins and ignited brandy."
Overall the day went really well and I am showing a six pack from all of the laughing I did. Dad was pretty good up until the end when he was showing signs of classic tantrums as we saw everyone out. Its a shame last impressions are are more important than firsts.
So what did you guys all do? Play Monopoly at the Steals' and listen to the Josh Grobin Christmas album, Kidding...sord of
Ps. Can you tell I am bored? Babysitting is so exciting! Christmas vacations are gay..
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