On Thursdays I enjoy watching the first round of the weekly PGA tournament. Mya, my girlfriend's 8 year old daughter, gets home from school at 2:30 and we watch the last hour or so together. She's starting to enjoy it and believe me thats a far cry from Sponge Bob Suck Pants. I'd rather listen to Smashmouth for a half hour than watch that lame ass show. As for her other television viewing choices we take all the precautions, lock the bad channels, watch the violent or questionable stuff after she goes to bed, not porn ya pervs, and try to keep it kid friendly as much as possible. Its tough these days with everything they put on the tube, the chicks all dress like skanks and the dudes are on steroids. However, what really disgusts me is the commercial content while we're watching a safe and educational telecast of a tournament on the Golf Channel. We cant just kick back on the couch and watch my favorite sporting event anymore without seeing every Viagra, Cialis or Flomax add each commercial break and I mean each and every single commercial break. Its absolutely uncalled for..
Do we really need to be reminded like 40 times a telecast how many middle age men can't get it up anymore or have to take 20 pisses every time they go deep sea fishing, mountain bike riding or traveling on a road trip? I understand the commercials are designed for the demographic that watches the channel or show, but to be honest I golf every week and see a ton of guys my age playing. Also, the average age of tour players has recently dropped down to young men between 28 and 34. Well I'm 28 and... Ok I won't go into the details, but here's the thing, what about kids getting interested in the sport? Should they have to hear about male impotence 12 times an hour? They might think too much golf will lead to impotence. Instead of answering questions like, Steve do you think Sergio will ever win a major? I feel like I'm about to start hearing, why shouldn't an erection last longer than 4 hours? Or, where did that cro-magnum looking man and the lady go that were on the Harley?
From now on lets just keep the adds simple. You know what these pills do so if you need them schedule an appointment. Believe me, there should be no debate between yourself and your whomever as to whether you need them or not. Symptoms; Its not working anymore even if your sober or your pissing your pants on the way to the urinal. And I'm not even a doctor.
The plus side will be, I get to lay back and not have to worry about where the channel changer is when Im trying to bond with the kid and watch Tiger.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
East Indian Bachelor Party? I think not..
I was in National Imports the other day looking for a gift and happened to stumble upon some pretty interesting activity. For those of you who don't have a National Imports in your mall its basically a Spencer's Gifts on crystal meth. You can purchase everything there from a whoopie cushion to a cardboard cut out of Donnie Wahlberg on a Harley.
Oh and did I mention the porn section?
Yeah there is a huge beaded off (no pun intended, ooh beads double pun!) porn section in the back corner that we used to sneak into and look around. And by used to I mean yesterday. I don't even wanna get into the variety "this from that," joke on this one because it is just that vast, but I will say you can still find that Donnie cardboard cut out behind the beads. Located in the rear, next to the porn stuff, is a register where you can purchase your embarrassing fetishes at and not have to travel to the front of the store. I was purchasing a medal business card holder for my dad's birthday, pretty perverted huh, and noticed this Arab guy circling the pornotorium quickly while watching his back for amused observers, like myself. He looked like the dude I say 15 dollars on pump 3 to, white head dress, bi-focal aviators, thick facial hair and a blue tooth. He would enter the beads and as soon as somebody walked by he would act lost. Reminded me of the first time I bought a box of condoms. This went on for a few minutes and as I stayed and watched I could tell he had his eye on a prize but kept getting swept away from bashfulness. Like chasing a Frisbee out in the tide, the closer you get the farther the ocean seems to sweep it away, but way much more perverted than that. I went on with my business and as the tattooed gal rang me up I could see him headed swiftly towards the register with a large box tucked under his arm dodging shelves like Barry Sanders scrambling for a first down. What was it? What did he have?
The pale face, skinny, greasy haired young man rings him up after saying, "All ready man?"
Exact change, a bag and "Have a nice day!"
He's gone..
I hurry to make eye contact, searching for answers.
The kid says, "Hey Ashley did you see that f*in guy? Haha, He's been here for like twenty minutes trying to get his hand on that f*in thing."
"Yeah, what was it?" Ashley replies
The kid says, "A blow up nurse," followed with laughter.
Ashley asks, "Which one?"
He says, "the blonde, with the huge rack, what a freak He's gonna be going at it with plastic in no time!"
Ashley says, "You're sick but probably right."
Takes all kinds I guess, but the irony is that they thought this was hilarious. I'm not one to judge and it probably gets lonely at tech support, but you would think the workers were used to this activity by now. I guess the immoral point of the story is either order that kind of stuff online or when you get to the register name drop bachelor party or gag gift somewhere during the transaction, because once you leave they will all laugh at you. Pervs, no matter how much you think society accepts you, they don't. In this case they even brought me, the average observing customer, in on the fun.
Oh and did I mention the porn section?
Yeah there is a huge beaded off (no pun intended, ooh beads double pun!) porn section in the back corner that we used to sneak into and look around. And by used to I mean yesterday. I don't even wanna get into the variety "this from that," joke on this one because it is just that vast, but I will say you can still find that Donnie cardboard cut out behind the beads. Located in the rear, next to the porn stuff, is a register where you can purchase your embarrassing fetishes at and not have to travel to the front of the store. I was purchasing a medal business card holder for my dad's birthday, pretty perverted huh, and noticed this Arab guy circling the pornotorium quickly while watching his back for amused observers, like myself. He looked like the dude I say 15 dollars on pump 3 to, white head dress, bi-focal aviators, thick facial hair and a blue tooth. He would enter the beads and as soon as somebody walked by he would act lost. Reminded me of the first time I bought a box of condoms. This went on for a few minutes and as I stayed and watched I could tell he had his eye on a prize but kept getting swept away from bashfulness. Like chasing a Frisbee out in the tide, the closer you get the farther the ocean seems to sweep it away, but way much more perverted than that. I went on with my business and as the tattooed gal rang me up I could see him headed swiftly towards the register with a large box tucked under his arm dodging shelves like Barry Sanders scrambling for a first down. What was it? What did he have?
The pale face, skinny, greasy haired young man rings him up after saying, "All ready man?"
Exact change, a bag and "Have a nice day!"
He's gone..
I hurry to make eye contact, searching for answers.
The kid says, "Hey Ashley did you see that f*in guy? Haha, He's been here for like twenty minutes trying to get his hand on that f*in thing."
"Yeah, what was it?" Ashley replies
The kid says, "A blow up nurse," followed with laughter.
Ashley asks, "Which one?"
He says, "the blonde, with the huge rack, what a freak He's gonna be going at it with plastic in no time!"
Ashley says, "You're sick but probably right."
Takes all kinds I guess, but the irony is that they thought this was hilarious. I'm not one to judge and it probably gets lonely at tech support, but you would think the workers were used to this activity by now. I guess the immoral point of the story is either order that kind of stuff online or when you get to the register name drop bachelor party or gag gift somewhere during the transaction, because once you leave they will all laugh at you. Pervs, no matter how much you think society accepts you, they don't. In this case they even brought me, the average observing customer, in on the fun.
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